September 16th, 2013
Sigh. This is a late night return to my blog. I have practically dragged myself, kicking and screaming here. It isn't that I don't have thoughts I wish to share. The reason I stayed away for so long was rather that I suppose I was too worried about how I bring my ideas to the surface. I return as I am, this midnight.
The first thing I feel compelled to share is a story. My position at Rochester Public Library as a sub was ended about thirteen months ago. I was given a few chances, and I suppose I gave out under various pressure gauges I had yet to learn to read. I transformed myself into a whistle blower pointing the opposite direction that I ought to have pointed myself, and accidentally blew a gigantic hole in my foot that I may never recover from. It aches to the point where I simply cannot function when the weather changes.
Yet, when the weather remains stable I feel comfortable exploring my world. Lately I have dug my toes into 371 and 398.2. I like it here. I don't mind weather changes, but rhythm to times make life simpler in a good way.
Back when I felt that I might still have a chance, I had one last meeting with the man and woman who I believed might be able to perform the right sort of surgery on my foot. I walked into the meeting with a coffee in my hand, and less than ten minutes later I walked out suddenly. I suppose that it wasn't my place to explain my understanding of foot anatomy when it did not match theirs. Their diagram was shaped differently than mine. The conversation didn't go well.
Yet I did not return home immediately to put my bloody aching stomped toes in my mouth. Nooo rather I went for a second opinion. Turns out I discovered that while I suspected I was initially speaking with some of the best podiatrists in the area, my second opinion podiatrist was the authority overseeing the podiatry portion of the local teaching hospital. A super star in medicine, basically her word is the authority. Her advice: sit down, shut up, and watch carefully to see how things run.
Her belief was that my foot was damaged so severely that it will be very difficult for me to learn to walk. However, if I do manage to get myself together and put weight on it that I will be able to ride horses again or run marathons if I so choose without excessive barriers to my success. I did not realize that I was walking into the authority's office, though it felt counter intuitive to me to give up my voice in such a fashion. I felt like the little mermaid, Disney version, bargaining with the Ursula. After we recently moved to a new apartment without an Internet connection, I could see my voice travel out of my throat like a blue light and become captured in a nautilus shell. I was bound to excessive barriers to my usual form of communication. Furthermore, it became too much for us to manage my monthly cell phone bill. I gave up most electronic communicating and focused on the people I see face to face. And I dove deeper into my books.
This was a summer of excessive reading for me. The kids and I did get outside most days, but we spent far more time reading than any other activity. Beatrice and Vinny have developed distinct tastes picture books different from my own. I am okay with that, though occasionally I do use Mama veto power when I believe that something is clearly for a more mature audience. We enjoy sharing plenty of activities and discussions based on what we read.
There is a quality to communication I stumbled upon, as we learned to more deeply undersand our literature. Some stories fit perfectly into our lives as if by magic, others create a more foreign world that takes more work to feel the internal logic in it. I can read my children better now, and sometimes even strangers, as I can more clearly read moods based on the reaction to information consumed. I imagine this will improve as I gain experience. I can also feel my own center of balance more clearly since I have spent so much time reading. When things begin to move too fast as they do in this modern age, the time I have spent meditating has taught me to bring myself back to center. If it takes more than fifteen minutes to get back to myself, something is wrong that requires specific action on my part.
Some days I believe that my foot is healed, and that it is only a matter of time before I am swept off my feet into the land of happy ever after. Other days I just keep inching forward, praying that I haven't unintentionally offended anyone by just being myself learning and growing in my own way. I try to teach my children to love all living things, and to hurt nothing. My son still wants to pretend to play with guns and kill. My daughter's favorite toy is a stuffed cobra. I am doing my best to let them be, but set the best example I can and encourage good choices. Is it wrong to kill for food? Yes, we think so, but we still enjoy eating meat. We talk about theses things, even if it hurts because we are only imperfect humans, just like everyone else. We try our best.
Maybe at this point in my blog you are wondering about my foot? It was my own ignorance that caused the injury. I might have avoided it if I had given the people what they wanted to hear. Sometimes I just get it in my head that I am going to do the right thing, whatever that means, and I dig my heals into the earth, stubborn as a mule, refusing to offer my services where they are needed most. I suppose I felt that I was being called upon to do too much in such a way that it wasn't turned around and reciprocated. My family needed stability. I believe everyone deserves stability and also a certain trust that they will perform their work without big brother watching and taking notes on break room gossip. I found this absurd. Yet, mules aren't supposed to think, and my thoughts were damaging my position. They are just supposed to perform their ugly duties that no human would want to do on their own without some kind of super human motivation. It might have been less of a problem if the old mule was just granted a sugar cube under her lip while drudging along, yet none was given and one hot day she just dug in her heals and stopped square in the field.
This mule was taken to the podiatrist because it was believed she has some sort of stone bruise or an invisible injury, however the podiatrist only suggested that the mule be allowed to sit back and watch for a time. She was given a narrow paddock along the highway, where she might observe traffic moving along. Mule had a habit of braying at friendly looking travelers, and somehow this was interpreted as proof that her foot had not yet healed for surely she complains and perhaps even conspires to cause problems. She was just being a mule in the way that she knew how to be a mule given the constraints of her situation.
I have been giving much thought to the concept of education and libraries. I have half a dozen draft essays that I am slowly working on when I have the time and energy to put into them. I would like to put them up here on my blog when I believe they are ready. I have also been worrying about the concept of privacy, and strategies used by the government and financial interests to control the masses of people. I think about society, because if I can understand how society is manipulated by those truly in control, perhaps I might understand how to package and present information to people in such a way that it will be most useful and beneficial to the greater good.
I prefer to selflessly serve the greater good. However, I cannot spend my life working for free. When I spend time writing essays, it is typically late at night and it takes away from the time that I really ought to spend sleeping. Like right now. I am tired. Yet, I plan to take this outside and post it on my blog right now so that I may sleep easy and rest my aching foot. The weather is cooling.