September 16th, 2013
Sigh. This is a late
night return to my blog. I have
practically dragged myself, kicking and screaming here. It isn't that I don't have thoughts I wish to
share. The reason I stayed away for so
long was rather that I suppose I was too worried about how I bring my ideas to
the surface. I return as I am, this
midnight.
The first thing I feel compelled to share is a story. My position at Rochester Public Library as a
sub was ended about thirteen months ago.
I was given a few chances, and I suppose I gave out under various
pressure gauges I had yet to learn to read.
I transformed myself into a whistle blower pointing the opposite
direction that I ought to have pointed myself, and accidentally blew a gigantic
hole in my foot that I may never recover from.
It aches to the point where I simply cannot function when the weather
changes.
Yet, when the weather remains stable I feel comfortable
exploring my world. Lately I have dug my
toes into 371 and 398.2. I like it
here. I don't mind weather changes, but
rhythm to times make life simpler in a good way.
Back when I felt that I might still have a chance, I had one
last meeting with the man and woman who I believed might be able to perform the
right sort of surgery on my foot. I
walked into the meeting with a coffee in my hand, and less than ten minutes later
I walked out suddenly. I suppose that it
wasn't my place to explain my understanding of foot anatomy when it did not
match theirs. Their diagram was shaped
differently than mine. The conversation didn't go well.
Yet I did not return home immediately to put my bloody aching
stomped toes in my mouth. Nooo rather I
went for a second opinion. Turns out I
discovered that while I suspected I was initially speaking with some of the
best podiatrists in the area, my second opinion podiatrist was the authority
overseeing the podiatry portion of the
local teaching hospital. A super star in
medicine, basically her word is the authority.
Her advice: sit down, shut up, and watch carefully to see how things
run.
Her belief was that my foot was damaged so severely that it
will be very difficult for me to learn to walk.
However, if I do manage to get myself together and put weight on it that
I will be able to ride horses again or run marathons if I so choose without excessive
barriers to my success. I did not
realize that I was walking into the authority's office, though it felt counter
intuitive to me to give up my voice in such a fashion. I felt like the little mermaid, Disney
version, bargaining with the Ursula.
After we recently moved to a new apartment without an Internet
connection, I could see my voice travel out of my throat like a blue light and
become captured in a nautilus shell. I
was bound to excessive barriers to my usual form of communication. Furthermore, it became too much for us to
manage my monthly cell phone bill. I
gave up most electronic communicating and focused on the people I see face to
face. And I dove deeper into my books.
This was a summer of excessive reading for me. The kids and I did get outside most days, but
we spent far more time reading than any other activity. Beatrice and Vinny have developed distinct
tastes picture books different from my own.
I am okay with that, though occasionally I do use Mama veto power when I
believe that something is clearly for a more mature audience. We enjoy sharing plenty of activities and
discussions based on what we read.
There is a quality to communication I stumbled upon, as we
learned to more deeply undersand our literature. Some stories fit perfectly into our lives as
if by magic, others create a more foreign world that takes more work to feel
the internal logic in it. I can read my
children better now, and sometimes even strangers, as I can more clearly read
moods based on the reaction to information consumed. I imagine this will improve as I gain
experience. I can also feel my own
center of balance more clearly since I have spent so much time reading. When things begin to move too fast as they do
in this modern age, the time I have spent meditating has taught me to bring myself
back to center. If it takes more than
fifteen minutes to get back to myself, something is wrong that requires
specific action on my part.
Some days I believe that my foot is healed, and that it is
only a matter of time before I am swept off my feet into the land of happy ever
after. Other days I just keep inching
forward, praying that I haven't unintentionally offended anyone by just being
myself learning and growing in my own way.
I try to teach my children to love all living things, and to hurt nothing. My son still wants to pretend to play with
guns and kill. My daughter's favorite
toy is a stuffed cobra. I am doing my
best to let them be, but set the best example I can and encourage good choices.
Is it wrong to kill for food? Yes, we
think so, but we still enjoy eating meat.
We talk about theses things, even if it hurts because we are only
imperfect humans, just like everyone else. We try our best.
Maybe at this point in my blog you are wondering about my
foot? It was my own ignorance that
caused the injury. I might have avoided
it if I had given the people what they wanted to hear. Sometimes I just get it in my head that I am
going to do the right thing, whatever that means, and I dig my heals into the
earth, stubborn as a mule, refusing to offer my services where they are needed
most. I suppose I felt that I was being
called upon to do too much in such a way that it wasn't turned around and
reciprocated. My family needed
stability. I believe everyone deserves
stability and also a certain trust that they will perform their work without
big brother watching and taking notes on break room gossip. I found this absurd. Yet, mules aren't supposed to think, and my
thoughts were damaging my position. They
are just supposed to perform their ugly duties that no human would want to do
on their own without some kind of super human motivation. It might have been less of a problem if the
old mule was just granted a sugar cube under her lip while drudging along, yet
none was given and one hot day she just dug in her heals and stopped square in
the field.
This mule was taken to the podiatrist because it was believed
she has some sort of stone bruise or an invisible injury, however the
podiatrist only suggested that the mule be allowed to sit back and watch for a
time. She was given a narrow paddock
along the highway, where she might observe traffic moving along. Mule had a habit of braying at friendly
looking travelers, and somehow this was interpreted as proof that her foot had
not yet healed for surely she complains and perhaps even conspires to cause
problems. She was just being a mule in
the way that she knew how to be a mule given the constraints of her
situation.
I have been giving much thought to the concept of education
and libraries. I have half a dozen draft
essays that I am slowly working on when I have the time and energy to put into
them. I would like to put them up here
on my blog when I believe they are ready.
I have also been worrying about the concept of privacy, and strategies
used by the government and financial interests to control the masses of
people. I think about society, because
if I can understand how society is manipulated by those truly in control,
perhaps I might understand how to package and present information to people in
such a way that it will be most useful and beneficial to the greater good.
I prefer to selflessly serve the greater good. However, I cannot spend my life working for
free. When I spend time writing essays,
it is typically late at night and it takes away from the time that I really
ought to spend sleeping. Like right now.
I am tired. Yet, I plan to take this
outside and post it on my blog right now so that I may sleep easy and rest my
aching foot. The weather is cooling.
